Fan Mail
by Parody Master
Summary: Various characters from the Darren Shan books answer fan mail...
1. The Very Pissed Lord of the Vampaneze

Dear Stevie,

OMG WE LUV YOU YER SO HOTT! EEEEEEEEKKK!

Sincerely,

Rabid fan girls

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Dear rabid fan girls,

Learn to spell. And while you're at it, don't right out your screams. It gets annoying.

--Steve Leopard (insert paw print here)

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Dear Steve,

OMG WE HATE YOU Y DID YOU KILL MISTA C? DIE DIE DIE DIE!

Sincerely,

More rabid fan girls

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Dear more rabid fan girls,

Again, learn so spell. Also, I don't think Creepy Crepsley would like you calling him 'Mista C'…not that I care. Anyway, tell me, how did you pass kindergarten again?

--Steve Leopard (insert paw print here)

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Dear Mr. Leopard:

Dude – what's wrong with you? I mean, look at yourself, you're all mad at your boyhood pal because he got turned into a vampire and you didn't! And yet you got what you wanted anyway, but you're still out to get him – yeah, real mature, my Lord!

Mockingly yours,

Go to Hell

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Dear Gannen Harst,

It would be in your best interest to keep your opinions to yourself. And I am NOT immature….am I? Oh, that's it, you are SO in for it, buster!

--Steve Leopard (insert claw marks here)

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Dear Steve,

Hey, what's up man! So, anyways, I got the…ahem…._package_ you asked for. (hint hint) So I'll be over soon, and, well, maybe you could give me my hooks back?

Love,

Righteous Vampaneze

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Dear Reggie Veggie,

Love? _Love_? Okay, that is _it_ – I am so sick of this – why – erg – alright, you are next on my list right after Gannen! I can't take anymore of this! And you'd better hurry up with my package, 'cause I'm gonna need some of it FAST if you ever hope to survive the night!

--Steve Leopard (insert_ real _teeth marks here

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Dear Mr. Steve Leopard,

We are pleased to inform you that you have been awarded the title of Vampaneze of the Year. Sincerest congratulations and many thanks for joining the one true league of creatures of the night.

Sincerely yours…

PSYKE! Happy April Fool's Day, my Lord!

--Morgan James

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Dear Morgan,

Hahaha! Thanks, Morgan old pal. I really needed that. Man, I've been having a seriously bad day today. First off stupid Gannen forget to get coffee, so I've been, like, completely out of it, and then some jealous bum accused me of having used a fire extinguisher while in the Coffin of Fire. Not to mention all this crappy fan mail I've got to deal with. So yeah…it's official. 'No one dies a virgin – life screws us all'. I saw that on a bumper sticker somewhere. It is SO true. Well, thanks -- your letters always bring a smile to my face no matter how bad a day I'm having.

Trying to not worry and be happy,

Steve Leopard (insert paw print here)

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Dear Master,

Hey! We wrote a song for you!

Stevie Leopard! Stevie Leopard!

The great ruler of us all!

Stevie Leopard! Stevie Leopard!

We are at his beck and call!

He's modest, clever, and so smart

He barely can restrain it

With so much generosity

There is no way to contain it…to contain it…to contain, to contain, to contaaaaaaain….

Stevie Leopard! Stevie Leopard!

He's likely wanting our fresh meat!

Stevie Leopard! Stevie Leopard!

The dictator who just can't be beat!

The vampaneze and the killing wiz,

The best darn guy who ever lived,

Stevie Leopard, here he iiiiiiiiiiiissss!

Love ya!

Your followers

Dear followers,

I swear to God…if someone calls me Stevie one more time…if someone proclaims love one more time…I swear to God, I. Will. EXPLODE! And changing the lyrics to that Goddamn Willy Wonka song does not justify it as yours! Now, as punishment for your badly-written parody, you're all going to scrub my chambers until their so clean I see my beautiful, sexy face in them!

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Dear Mista Leopard,

Hullo, Mista Steve. D'ya know who this is? Ahm the prisidint, that's right, Ahm the prisident of the Unatded Stits of 'Merica. It's recently come to my detention you've taken it upon yerself to make terroristic threats toward ma country. You's bitter nit be hidin' any a' them nucler weapons, or's else I'ma haff ta sind ma trouper koopers from Iraq over ter teach you not to miss with 'Merica.

Gay marriage all the way,

George Dubya Bush

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Dear Bush,

Well, if it ain't mister fancy-pants president of the U.S.! Why've you been reading my mail? What I say to my minions is my business and mine alone! You don't rule over me! If I wanted I could have you executed with a snap of fingers. By the way, you're worse than the fan girls when it comes to spelling. Seriously! Why did the American people elect you in the first place?

--Steve Leopard (insert paw print here)

P.S. You're for gay marriage? Eeeeww! That's soooo gross! I'm going to have to get another cootie shot after touching your letter!

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Dear Steve,

Wow. You're, like, so awesome! You're my idol! If I wanted to be an evil Lord like yourself, what would I have to do?

Sincerely,

Joe

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Dear Joe,

There's only room for one evil Lord in this world, and that's _moi_! So for you own sake, pray you don't get chosen to rule a clan or else I'll have to come after you. Okay, hon?

Stay in school,

Steve Leopard (insert paw print here)

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Author's Note: Hope you all enjoyed that. Now, here's the fun part: if any of you would like a letter answered by "Steve" just put it in a review and I'll post it in the next chapter. Maybe in later chapters I'll have other characters answering fan mail as well.


	2. The Even More Pissed Lord of the Vamps

Author's Note: Thanks are owed to the following people for sending in letters:

**Gunnergirl**

**Danielle Shan **

**Naomi-Jayne**

**Kaye**

**Akki the Angel of Death**

**Charming as Dirt **

Thank you all for participating and reviewing the story. It really was a pleasure! Meanwhile, I'm no longer going to answer letters from "Steve", but rather some other character of my own choosing. If you want to put the name of a character in a review that you'd like to see answer fan mail, feel free. (But not a letter just yet, as I want to do at least one chapter where I simply make up letters.) If there is great demand for a certain person, then I'll probably do them. Well, enjoy this chapter!

Dear Mr Lord, Steven, Dudey Guy.

Who are you again? I Mean are you somesort of celebrity? I Never even heard of you and I've of every one!

Yours bloodily

A Very Confused Not So Much Of A Fan Vampet.

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Dear A Very Confused Bit of Fresh Meat That Clearly Has a Death Wish,

Well, duh, of course you wouldn't have heard of me. I didn't write a whole book proclaiming my greatness unlike a certain self-proclaimed Lord of the Humans you've probably heard of! (A/N: no offence to any Christians here!) Honestly, how vain do you have to be to do something like that? Well, yeah, anyway, get a life, peace out, smell ya later,_ hasta lavista_, and don'tstopupmymailboxagainyoupatheticpieceofcrap.

-- Steve Leopard (insert paw print here)

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Dear Steve,

I only have one question. Are you GAY?

Sincerely yours,

Danielle :)

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Dear Danielle,

Uh, you _really_ shouldn't have asked me that. Just because I jerk off at night thinking about Gannen doesn't mean anything. Oh, crap, did I just write that? Damn, I'll just put this away for now, answer it later…(unfortunately Steve had a brief lapse of thought and accidentally dumped this in the mailbox along with other fan mail replies where it was delivered by the vampaneze in charge of his mail)

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Dear Steve Leopard  
If at any time you would like assistance with trying to kill Darren Shan just call on me, Shan killed my best friend Kurda Smahlt and I want his guts in my dog bowl. Oh by the way, is Darius really your son, was there doubt over who the father was, is that why you resent him? I know it's none of my business but I was just curious. Anyway, get back to me on that one if you can, keep up the bad work  
love Elisha  
ops, sorry 'sincerely' Elisha I know you hate 'love'

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Dear Elisha,

You did that just to make me mad. Anyway, on the subject of Kurda Smahlt: now _he_ was one gay vampire! I mean, seriously, Glalda described him to me and I could just tell. The Vampaneze Lord knows all! Hah, let that be a lesson to you, miss Let's-Ask-The-All-Powerful-Lord-of-the-Vampaneze-About-His-Sexual-Preferences! And of course Darius is my son! The family resemblance is obvious. You must be stupid in that way. I don't resent him either. I _love_ my son. I do. I really do. And if anyone besides me kills Darren Shan, I'm gonna have to kill them too…so, yeah, just stay out of it…please…mortal…

-- Steve Leopard (insert paw print here)

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Dear Steve,

I just thought you might like to know this (I don't where they came from):

40 werewolves are coming after you the next full-moon.

Just so you don't die un-honourably (like stabbed in the back, or killed and eaten when you are asleep)

Sincerely,  
Kaye

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Dear Kaye,

Yeah, right! I've heard that one before. I'm too sexy to get killed by werewolves! You must be in total denial about that. I'm sorry, but it's true. JELOUS!

--Steve Leopard (insert **_sexy_** paw print here)

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Dear Stevie,  
A poem of admiration  
that will stir the vampeneze nation:  
You are the greatest beyond compare,  
I worship your bright eyes,  
your shiny hair.  
Oh please reply,  
The one who sent creepy Crepsley bye,  
The supreme ruler of the vampaneze.  
(To bad you always sneeze.)

From your secret admirer,  
Gannen Harst

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Dear fake-Gannen Harst,

Yeah, it's stirred the vampaneze nation all right. Apparently they got it into their thick heads they all wanted to right poetry too…yeah, thanks a lot. R.V.'s trying to find someone to write for him since he doesn't have hands, Morgan James is writing gruesome craptastic verses, and the _real_ Gannen is becoming an angst-ridden beat nick. Thanks a lot.

--Steve Leopard (insert Tylenol here)

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Dear Steve,the hot evil vampaneze Lord,-sempai!  
My name is Pili-chan(or Akki The Angel Of Death),and I'm a big fan!  
Evil rulz! more evil people (or vampaneze and other creature of the night) need to win! it's not fair that the good side always win!(and it's not fair that I didn't meet Evra-chan! I think that you and Evra-chan are the hot hottest guys ever!)  
Can I join the vampaneze? please? I can use any weapon you want me to use!blood is good!especially when it's dripping slowly from a victim (Evil smile).  
Will love to serve you,  
Pili-chan(AKA Akki The Angel Of Death)

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Dear Pili-chan,

Yeah sure, you can join! Oh, but I hate to disappoint you (weeeell…not really) but Evra-chan (What the Hell?) is already taken…besides, I think I heard somewhere that he was getting into some, uh, serious drugs and things like that…anyway, come on over whenever, but don't, like, kill the spiders or anything; they're my friends.

--Steve Leopard (insert paw print here)

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Dear Steve,

I have a serious problem. My friend's mother is deeply religious and has sheltered her daughter for years. Now she's looking for the wrong kind of attention and is depressed and suicidal. I don't know what to do, because if I tell anyone her mother will find out and that will only make things worse (trust me, it will). How can I help her? What would you do in a situation like this?

Best wishes,

Confused

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Dear Confused,

Who do you think I am, Dr. Phil! Why don't you ask_ him _about this problem so that he can put you on the show and make you look like an idiot? _What are thinkin'?_ _We can do this! This is gonna be a changing day in your life…_and all that crap! I am not a psychologist, except when I catch Gannen in the other room cutting himself. In which case I always give him a few more cuts to help him out a little…I mean, if he _wants _to cut himself, why not?

--Steve Leopard (insert paw print here)

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